I like to test out the waterproof capabilities of new mascara by wearing it to the RE.

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Is it all in my head?

I’m convinced I ovulated last Tuesday (the first time I typed that, my phone autocorrected Tuesday to “twins day”, you bet I’m reading it as a sign.) I had all the signs and symptoms as wells as a positive OPK. I didn’t want to even let myself think that something my RE said wouldn’t happen had, but I want to be completely honest on here even if I can’t let myself anywhere else. The past two days when I’m trying to fall asleep I’ve had mild to moderate cramping and today I have had the absolute worst sinus headache I’ve ever had. Of course, I’ve been googling again, seeing the probability of a positive pregnancy test at 7DPO (very low), and ordering pregnancy tests in bulk from Amazon anyway. I’m usually very cautiously optimistic to say the least, the hus-b calls me a flat out negative Nancy, but it’s my way of protecting my emotions. Currently, however, I’m convinced I ovulated and now have myself convinced I’m pregnant.

Look out world, there might be a breakdown in the works.

The Waiting Game

We’ve decided to just wait until I naturally start a period to move on to the next treatment options. We are leaning toward injectables, but still have time to change our minds. My body needs a break from all of the hormones and medication. I’m the girl who refuses to take Tylenol for a headache and here I am taking fertility meds like they’re sour cream and onion chips (I don’t really like candy.) I’m convinced that I ovulated on Tuesday, so that added to our decision. My crazy mood swings haven’t subsided at all, which is annoying to say the least. I’ve still also had mild pain in my abdomen, specifically on the right side and I’m trying not to google what that could mean. Google is my biggest enemy, and I know I’m not alone in feeling that way. Its the only thing capable of making me abandon gut feelings in favor of exceptional hope-inducing stories like my own. They are exceptions, not the rule and I have to keep telling myself that.

I really don’t want my life (or even this blog) to be defined and consumed by infertility. Today I sat in my new living room, with my two dogs and thought about how utterly amazing it is that we just bought our first home. If you had asked me a year ago when we’d buy a house, I would have guessed 5-10 years, yet somehow I’m typing in my own office with a poodle at my feet. I wrote before about how easy it is to get so caught up in what we don’t have that we forget to enjoy what we do, so today I’ve been doing just that. It is a welcome break to not have the pressure of what’s next looming behind every minute. There isn’t anything we can do between now and when I start my period. Instead of stressing through the waiting game, I’m laying by the pool reading, taking an extra long shower and slathering my face with my favorite Kiehl’s moisturizer, looking around and appreciating the beautiful house that I get to live in. I don’t want to look back at this time and only remember the struggle we felt.

 

 

Sidenote: I finally added a little timeline to my about page, if you’re curious or missed out on our journey thus far.

Confusion

Since my doctor appointment on Saturday I’ve been feeling pretty down. I’ve hung out with friends and gone on a long walk everyday. I still haven’t picked up my progesterone prescription (to start my period). Last night I had some abdominal cramping, intense anxiety, and ended up basically crying my eyes out for no reason. I just went to the grocery store and decided to pick up some OPKs (ovulation prediction kits) for next cycle. When I got home I took one, because why not, right? And it was positive. So now I’m super confused. Did one of my follicles jump start since Saturday morning and produce an egg? Is the test just wrong? I’m technically on day 16 of my cycle which seems late to ovulate. I’m making myself crazy.

Ultrasound Ultra-disappointment

We went to the RE this morning for our (accidentally CD13) CD12 u/s. I finally met our actual doctor, we’ve just been seeing Nurse Practitioners up until this point. He came in to do the ultrasound and introduced himself. I’ll admit, I was very surprised he was in the office at 7:45 on a Saturday morning, surely he has earned the right to sleep in and let a NP take care of these weekend appointments. Nevertheless, it was nice to meet him and he was very nice.

The u/s went exactly the same as last time. Not one thing was different, except for when the doctor said, “as far as polycystic ovaries go, if we rate them ‘mild’, ‘moderate’, or ‘severe’ yours definitely would be above moderate.” Cool, doc. Maybe next time just say what you’re trying to say, my ovaries look like shit. Basically, I didn’t respond to the higher dose of Clomid and Dexamethasone at all. He suggested we induce a period and try injectables (which he said have a 99% success rate in women that Clomid didn’t work for, which seems to
me like a HIGHLY elevated statistic.) I have that option or try a different drug (one I have never heard of–not Femera) and hope for the best again (which has been working GREAT.) I don’t even know what to do at this point, but nothing can happen until after a period, so the hus-b and I decided to take some time to discuss our options.

Ugh.

Trust Issues

I just realized that my NP counted incorrectly and while meaning to schedule my u/s for CD12 actually scheduled it for CD13. I’m annoyed that I didn’t second-guess her and check for myself, which would be typical of me. Every time I try and let go and trust in things outside of myself, it bites me in the ass. Sure it’s a small thing, but when you consider this entire process is a timing and numbers game, it isn’t that insignificant of an error.

And now begins my spiral of “if she fucked that up, what else shouldn’t I trust her to do?”

On Patience

I have a really hard time with waiting for anything. Once it’s been decided that I’m going to get or do anything, I want it to happen immediately. This has been particularly difficult to reconcile with our infertility issues. Not only are we waiting at the hands of medicine and doctor’s decisions and perfect timing for our someday baby pool, but every step of this adventure is full of waiting for something. It makes it really hard to live each day to the fullest when I’m so anxious for a new day; to start different medication, have an ultrasound, find out if this combination of drugs was the magic one, etc.
Saturday morning is the next u/s and I am so anxious to get there, I fear I might lose 3 days of my life. These next few days could be great days, but not if they are full of nervous wondering and playing out a million different scenarios of Saturday. No amount of worry is going to make it get here quicker or have a different outcome, so I might as well move it to the back of my mind and embrace what these next few days have to offer. Maybe I can find some bliss in the not-yet-knowing.

Cycle Day 9

I finished up the Clomid two nights ago, and am now just taking the Dexamethasone and Estradiol. I’m feeling much less anxious and irritable today, which is a nice change. I did however, realize last night that the Dexamethasone makes me extremely woozy and out of it. Normally after I take my medicine, I go straight to bed and that’s it. Last night, though, I took it and watched some TV with the hus-b and wasn’t feeling very tired. About an hour later I still wasn’t asleep and turned over to see if the hus-b was awake. Just simply turning from one side to another made me so dizzy I had to grab on to the hus-b’s arm cause I felt like I might fall. (Rationally, the only place I could go was deeper into my Comforpedic bed, which isn’t super alarming.) Luckily, it only took a few seconds for my brain to catch up and everything to level back out, but it was definitely a strange and unwelcome experience.

It’s always an adventure, I guess.

The Clomid Crazies…

Today is CD6. In about 30 minutes, I’ll take my third dose of Clomid for this cycle. The hus-b is out of town this weekend which is great for him and probably really great for our marriage considering the absolutely lunacy going on inside my head right now. I’m feeling anxious, frustrated for no reason, easily agitated by absolutely anything and everything, and crazy for feeling all of those things.

I really wanted to document all of what’s going on this cycle because I didn’t last cycle and my crazy brain has me convinced all these side effects are new. IF I do another round of Clomid, I want to be able to look back to these moments of feeling crazy and realize that they are NOT me and they WILL disappear when I’m done with the medicine.