I just realized that my NP counted incorrectly and while meaning to schedule my u/s for CD12 actually scheduled it for CD13. I’m annoyed that I didn’t second-guess her and check for myself, which would be typical of me. Every time I try and let go and trust in things outside of myself, it bites me in the ass. Sure it’s a small thing, but when you consider this entire process is a timing and numbers game, it isn’t that insignificant of an error.
And now begins my spiral of “if she fucked that up, what else shouldn’t I trust her to do?”
I have a really hard time with waiting for anything. Once it’s been decided that I’m going to get or do anything, I want it to happen immediately. This has been particularly difficult to reconcile with our infertility issues. Not only are we waiting at the hands of medicine and doctor’s decisions and perfect timing for our someday baby pool, but every step of this adventure is full of waiting for something. It makes it really hard to live each day to the fullest when I’m so anxious for a new day; to start different medication, have an ultrasound, find out if this combination of drugs was the magic one, etc.
Saturday morning is the next u/s and I am so anxious to get there, I fear I might lose 3 days of my life. These next few days could be great days, but not if they are full of nervous wondering and playing out a million different scenarios of Saturday. No amount of worry is going to make it get here quicker or have a different outcome, so I might as well move it to the back of my mind and embrace what these next few days have to offer. Maybe I can find some bliss in the not-yet-knowing.
Today is CD6. In about 30 minutes, I’ll take my third dose of Clomid for this cycle. The hus-b is out of town this weekend which is great for him and probably really great for our marriage considering the absolutely lunacy going on inside my head right now. I’m feeling anxious, frustrated for no reason, easily agitated by absolutely anything and everything, and crazy for feeling all of those things.
I really wanted to document all of what’s going on this cycle because I didn’t last cycle and my crazy brain has me convinced all these side effects are new. IF I do another round of Clomid, I want to be able to look back to these moments of feeling crazy and realize that they are NOT me and they WILL disappear when I’m done with the medicine.